Greetings to everyone ...
Please bear with me as some of you may not like as many of you are a very
pure soul type of personality and may ignore. Please read the complete mail
as I want to tell you what I am going through.
I have a severe problem. Its been a while that I have started meditation,
kundalini sadhna, hatha yoga, laya yoga . Say it my desperation or
fickle-mindness, I start every new advice in spiritual practice. I can say
that to an extent I am a changed being.
The problem is that in my childhood(when I was 8-9 yrs), I had been very
inclined to sex naturally (without an reason whatsoever) and it had once
occupied my thoughts for complete 5-8 yrs of my life without any other
thoughts in my mind(even though I was just a child without knowing any
actual meaning of it, it all started by itself) and I had imagined every
possible imagination/fantacies related to it. So you can imagine how
frustrated I had been in childhood.
But then things changed drastically which pulled me towards finding the
actual meaning of life. Now I have been trying to get out of every last
piece of it But after certain interval(2-3 weeks), negative/sex thoughts are
so powerful that they drag me down to lowest possible level. I start putting
good thoughts in my mind or do some good actions, but that effort turns
useless and I get used to my old habbits. I again find myself riding on
negative thoughts craving for desires/sex and I again starts liking it(I
start watching porn movies/sites). It happens when things look at a good
pace and I feel like that I am close to something serene phase in
meditaion/yoga and It follows immediately.
One thing I have noticed is that I return to the bad habbits when things
doesn't work out for me and I feel despaired.
I must say that I am not a blessed person like most of you who are so pure
from birth that they can get easily gel in with almighty/positive energies
and activities like kundalini/meditaion/yoga.
I feel like I had been punished for my some bad deeds/thoughts/karmas.
my devotion gets break everynow and again. I feel very low as hell which I
am feeling right now. I don't even know that Whether I will be able reach to
the blessed state of meditaion or not, which happens when the almighty has
accepted us part of him.
I feel that death can not be worse than actions caused by negative
thoughts/bad karma. I know that My/Our Almighty is very kind and he grace us
without even asking anything in return But how can I get his complete
kindness. It looks it won't be possible in this life because of the burden
of bad karmas.
If anyone can guide me it will be of great help. I don't know if there is
any cure possible to it and how can I overcome it.
Thanks for reading.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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