Saturday, March 6, 2010

[Kundalini Yoga] Re: Severe Problem

 

Hi
Thanks for all the responces,
I'm not sure if i'm depressed or not,

i've experienced severe depression and anxiety in the past and it's not the same, some aspects are simular in terms of the pains purpose, but this is before the dissociation set in, now it's more like i'm just not here.

I havn't mentioned i did have a brief spell in a psychiatric ward, for only a few weeks 3 years ago, when i completely couldn't sleep, also a few bizarre experience during that time such as burning my wrist simply by looking at it (literal burn which left a small scar).

i took olanzapine for 3 months and felt i never came back from it, it's hard to remember what really happened, and i feel its heavily linked to the sleeplessnes, invloving some terrible fear of that time.

whether theres something to genuinly fear or not is another question, alot of exhaustion comes from attempting to suppress memory etc.

i feel there is alot of energy involved, alot of ungroundedness and i see pain as a helpful thing (normally), just the pain becomes so overwhelming (physically and emotionally) i only want to escape and find it deconstructive.

in answer to one of the questions, yes i drank ayahuasca in south america, in peru in a ceremonial setting.

i can see the benefits ayahausca could potentially have (why its called la medecina etc), however, it wasn't helpful in this situation.

--- In Kundaliniyoga@yahoogroups.com, "lukehutton@..." <hutton.luke@...> wrote:
>
> I'm not too sure what to say, or what could be said in responce,
>
> but it's been over 4 years now, from the age of 16 to almost 21
> that i havn't slept properly, havn't been able to cry, release any stress/emotion.
>
> have become more and more detatched and completelty worn out and exhausted, with intolerable headaches and struggeling.
>
> it makes me feel sick to see life slip by. unengaged.
>
> i've done everything i feel i can, tried every therapy, tried to get my life back on track.
>
> doctors have diagnosed it as psychosis but its a broad term.
>
> but i admit it started with psychedelic drug use, not much but a few times, (mainly one nasty trip). (aged 16)
>
> i know drug use has no place in yoga, and quickly realised yoga was what i was looking for in psychedelics anyway.
>
> and 2 years ago drinking ayahuasca, which furthered problems.
>
>
> i'm only really writing this, as before i use to find yoga helpful, but today i attended a class and even though i found some mild benefits, i found myself more detatched than ever, and unable to connect with anything, rythem, breathing, sensations and no concentration.
>
> the best way i can compare it is the part of you thats wants to dance when you hear music, but not begin able to move with it, and it's moving further away.
>
>
> i'm just worried im becoming completely swallowed by this, coming to a place i might never come back from.
>
> i havn't really said much about it for at least a year or two hoping it was just after affects of ayahuasca or that'd it'd heal itself in time.
>
> but constantly getting overwhlemed by frustration and anger.
>
> burning out and exhausted, not to mention a long list of syptoms from severe insomnia, acute distress, migraines and dissociation.
>
> i find the frustration mainly stems from lack of perspective, i'v never encountered a problem i've been completely disabled by capable of handeling or understanding what to do, it's really taking its toll on all areas of my life and my personality.
>

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