Hello,
I so identify with what you say.
I also break my devlotion often, and then feel like I am in hell.
All we can do when we recognize this is get back on to the path of devotion.
And be grateful that we have been given the opportunity of knowing the path, even tho we may have trouble staying on it.
I too have often felt "jealous" of people who find the path and they stay on it forever and their lives seems blessed.
Well, I must acknowledge that that is how the world is, some of us may suffer more than others. But I always remind myself that if I have never known this path, I believe I would have killed myself decades ago, out of despair.
Now I know that this way is always here, it is not hiding, it is me hiding from it, but it is always here for me when I choose to avail myself of it.
I wish you the best, and hope that you continue to share on this list, as it may bring you comfort.
Also if you can find a teacher, that may make your path easier.
sat nam,
Kartar Kaur
--- In Kundaliniyoga@yahoogroups.com, Neeraj Rawal <Shvetvaahan@...> wrote:
>
> Greetings to everyone ...
>
> Please bear with me as some of you may not like as many of you are a very
> pure soul type of personality and may ignore. Please read the complete mail
> as I want to tell you what I am going through.
>
> I have a severe problem. Its been a while that I have started meditation,
> kundalini sadhna, hatha yoga, laya yoga . Say it my desperation or
> fickle-mindness, I start every new advice in spiritual practice. I can say
> that to an extent I am a changed being.
>
> The problem is that in my childhood(when I was 8-9 yrs), I had been very
> inclined to sex naturally (without an reason whatsoever) and it had once
> occupied my thoughts for complete 5-8 yrs of my life without any other
> thoughts in my mind(even though I was just a child without knowing any
> actual meaning of it, it all started by itself) and I had imagined every
> possible imagination/fantacies related to it. So you can imagine how
> frustrated I had been in childhood.
>
> But then things changed drastically which pulled me towards finding the
> actual meaning of life. Now I have been trying to get out of every last
> piece of it But after certain interval(2-3 weeks), negative/sex thoughts are
> so powerful that they drag me down to lowest possible level. I start putting
> good thoughts in my mind or do some good actions, but that effort turns
> useless and I get used to my old habbits. I again find myself riding on
> negative thoughts craving for desires/sex and I again starts liking it(I
> start watching porn movies/sites). It happens when things look at a good
> pace and I feel like that I am close to something serene phase in
> meditaion/yoga and It follows immediately.
>
> One thing I have noticed is that I return to the bad habbits when things
> doesn't work out for me and I feel despaired.
>
> I must say that I am not a blessed person like most of you who are so pure
> from birth that they can get easily gel in with almighty/positive energies
> and activities like kundalini/meditaion/yoga.
>
> I feel like I had been punished for my some bad deeds/thoughts/karmas.
> my devotion gets break everynow and again. I feel very low as hell which I
> am feeling right now. I don't even know that Whether I will be able reach to
> the blessed state of meditaion or not, which happens when the almighty has
> accepted us part of him.
>
> I feel that death can not be worse than actions caused by negative
> thoughts/bad karma. I know that My/Our Almighty is very kind and he grace us
> without even asking anything in return But how can I get his complete
> kindness. It looks it won't be possible in this life because of the burden
> of bad karmas.
>
> If anyone can guide me it will be of great help. I don't know if there is
> any cure possible to it and how can I overcome it.
>
>
> Thanks for reading.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
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